Moving as a family: a checklist before you decide

Based on a discussion in the r/expats community: around 200 comments under the question of whether it makes sense to move back to your home country for the sake of a career. The people answering had already moved in one direction or the other, and described how it turned out.

Supporters and opponents of moving argued themselves hoarse, but their practical advice was the same. And almost all of it turned out to be not about careers but about family: the partner, the children, time, and what gets lost when you leave.

This is the personal experience of the participants, not research. It works for any move: a first one, a move back, or a move to a third country.

Source: the r/expats discussion. Your ticks are saved only in your own browser.

The decision to move is often made by one person, for one reason: a job, a degree, love. But everyone moves. This checklist helps you look at the decision through the eyes of each member of the family.

Start here

Whose move is it

A move usually has an author, and everyone else gets the role of companion. Better to say that out loud before the decision than two years later.

• We understand whose goal we are moving for, and what each of the others will get out of it. If only one person wins, the others pay for it with their careers, friends and language.
• The partner agrees not “for my sake” but because they see something in the move for themselves.
• We have checked that the problem we want to leave because of really lies in the country, not in the employer or the industry. The most common advice in the discussion: changing company where you are is far cheaper than changing country with the whole family.

The partner

In the discussion this was the main point the person asking had barely thought about. The accompanying spouse risks the most.

• We know how long the partner’s paperwork will take and whether they can work straight after arriving. Family visas and residence permits can take years, and all that time the partner may be left without the right to work.
• We are starting the partner’s paperwork in advance, before the final decision. Advice given by both sides of the argument: applying now costs nothing, and documents in hand give you a choice.
• We have soberly assessed the partner’s chances on the new country’s job market. Language, recognition of the degree, experience with local companies. For one of you the move may mean a promotion; for the other, starting from scratch.
• We understand what the family will live on while only one of us is working.
• The partner will have a social circle of their own, not just your friends and your family.

The children

Moving is easier for children than it seems while they are small. And harder with every year you put it off.

• We have taken into account how old the children will be at the moment of the move, not just now. A family that went back to Germany writes that every “one more year” made the move harder for the older child.
• We know which language the child will study in and how they will keep the family’s other languages.
• We have compared schools, nurseries and their cost in both countries. One family in the discussion went back to France precisely because nursery fees ate the whole budget.
• We understand who will stay with the child when they are ill or when the nursery is closed. Where there are no grandparents nearby, this turns into an expense or into someone’s career.
• We have decided whether more children are in the plans, and taken that into account. Maternity care, parental leave and child benefits differ greatly between countries.

The family’s time

A pay rise is often paid for with the hours the family stops spending together.

• We know the real working hours at the new place, not the ones written in the contract. The discussion includes a story of a transfer with a promotion: at the new place the working week grew to 90–100 hours, and in the end the person quit.
• We have compared holidays: how many days you are entitled to and how many people there actually take.
• We have worked out how much time will go on commuting, chores and visits to relatives.

The family’s money, not the salary

What you need to compare is not two salaries but what the whole family has left after the essential expenses.

• We have compared the net remainder: both incomes minus housing, nursery or school, health insurance, taxes. One family in the discussion did the sums on an offer with a big raise from every angle and turned the move down.
• We know what happens to health insurance and income if the main earner loses their job. Where insurance is tied to the job, a dismissal hits the whole family at once.
• We have allowed for the cost of the move itself and of trips to relatives who will stay in the other country.

What you lose by leaving

Everyone thinks about what they will gain. What will have to be started over is remembered only once you are there.

• We know how many years each family member has left until permanent residence or citizenship where we live now. A person who left Denmark and came back eight years later writes that they are starting the road to permanent residence from zero.
• We understand what will happen to the language the family learned here. The same person forgot most of their Danish over the years away.
• We have taken into account the loss of professional connections and social guarantees already built up here.
• We have thought about our parents: who will be nearby when they need help. For one participant in the discussion, an ageing parent became the main reason to go home.

Can you change your mind

A decision is easier to make if it is not forever.

• We have considered a trial option: going for a year while keeping our housing and status where we live now.
• We have checked the option without moving: working remotely for a company in another country.
• We know what it would cost us to come back if it does not work out: paperwork, housing, work, school.

Before deciding

The second piece of advice both sides of the argument agreed on.

• We have a real job offer in hand, not an expectation that there will be one. Without an offer there is nothing to compare: the salary, hours and conditions exist only in the imagination for now.
• We have compared the political situation in both countries, not just the one we want to leave. The discussion had a reminder: there are few calm countries right now, and fleeing one situation does not guarantee calm in another.
• Every family member, including the older children, has said what they are afraid of in the move.

One last question

What would have to change where you live now for you to stop thinking about moving?

One of the participants asked the original poster this question. If there is an answer and it can be changed, perhaps you do not need to move.